Enough Clichés Already

When someone asked me what I was going to write about today, my first thought was…

“You know, at the end of the day, I am just going to stick to what I do and concentrate on my performance. There are a lot of good sports blogs out there and I am focusing on getting better each time I write and do all I can to be successful. I can only control what I can control, so I need to look forward, knuckle down and see what happens….zzzzz….”(Sentences: 3. Cliches: 11)

Ok, wake up, I didn’t really think like that.

One thing that really bothers me about athletes today is clichés. Let me premise this by saying I understand that many of today’s top sportsman/women are not the brightest crayons in the box, and that they are brainwashed by highly-paid PR spin-doctors desperately trying to prevent unwanted headlines, but that doesn’t give them the right to vomit cliché after cliché in some strange, nervous robotic insomnia test.

Worst culprits:

Tiger Woods. Always saying things like:

“I’m just trying to get better {insert cheesy/slightly uncomfortable smile, along with a fine display of his latest single-man facial hair experiment}”

Andy Murray. My fellow countryman loves to state the obvious in another slumber-invoking monotoned soundbite.

“I. felt. I. played. good. and. I. am. happy. to. get. through. the. match.” Socrates would be jealous Andy. #wakemeupwhenitsover

Roberto Mancini. I give the guy a slight pass to the man seen as English is clearly not his native-tongue, but I have had more intellectual conversations with a lamp.

“eeeeyyyy…. it is…eeeeyyyy… gooud…to…eeeeyyyy… win. For…emmmm…. me. I….try…. eeeyyyy… to…win.”

And we’re just trying to stay awake Roberto. You’re, eeeyyy…. not helping.

Leaders of the (NCP) Non-Cliché Party:

Gordon Strachan. Ugly, ginger, short Scotsman better have good banter or he wouldn’t have much going for him.

Reporter: “Gordon, can we have a quick word please?”
Strachan: “Velocity” [walks off] 

Chad Johnson. American football player who once changed his last name to Ocho-Cinco to match the number on his shirt, forcing him to then buy every unsold jersey with his old name. There were 100,000. Before you ask, $4m.

Reporter: “Chad, have you thought about what you might do if you don’t make the team”
Chad: “I’m always looking to a second job. Thinking about going into porn. It’s not funny. I got to earn a living. I’m being serious.” 

Jared Allen. Another NFL player. Asked about his mullet, I expect the reporter was expecting “yeah, I’m just trying it out” or “Ha ha, you don’t like it”, instead he got:

“The mullet isn’t just a hairdo, it’s a lifestyle.  You carry it on like a legacy, like your last name, you know.  The people that did this in the 80s, they weren’t doing it because they thought it was a cool hairdo.  No, they were doing it because they were bad ass.  You know if someone asks if you want extra mayonaise, you have to say yes.  Cause that’s part of it.  If the easy way is to walk around something, you walk through it.  This is bringing back like the Paul Bunyan.  Men, we don’t shave our legs.  We have chest hair, even if it is shaped like a heart, which is pretty tight.  That’s the whole lifestyle of the mullet.  I approach you from the front and you’re kinda like ‘wow this dude’s pretty serious,’ then I walk away and you’re like ‘damn he likes to party with two R’s.’” 

Mike Tyson. On fighting Lennox Lewis:

“I wanna eat his children”

Bit far Mike?… things just got weird.

My advice to athletes when it comes to speaking on TV or on a big stage:

– Say what you are thinking, not what you think you should say.
– Act like you have the best job in the world. Because you do.
– Show your personality, not your lack of one.
– Be natural.
– Don’t. Use. Clichés.

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About jamieonsport

My name is Jamie and I have been addicted to sports since I was 6. As a method of self-prescribed medication for the illness, I thought it would be good to detail my thoughts on the sporting world. So welcome to the workings of my inner-monologue. Join in, ignore, share, laugh, cry, be offended, be inspired, take my ranting however you will, but thanks for checking in.
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